Thursday, June 30, 2011


I didn't mean to torture my husband.  I swear I didn't.  It's funny how sometimes the best intentions can go completely haywire.  On Father's Day, we put the kids to bed and I asked him if he wanted to watch the new Netflix movie.

"Sure, what is it?" he asked.

"Something called Teeth.  I think it's nouveau artsy."  And I really did think that.  Last year we'd seen some other artsy movie and in a spate of good intentions I had put every single artsy preview on our Netflix Queue.  Of course the new seasons of Big Love, Entourage and Weeds push those movies down the list but every now and then one of the arthouse films slips through.  When they arrive I feel obligated to watch them.  They're like the indie publishers of the movie world. 

No teeth for Georgia O'Keefe.
We sat down to watch the movie.  "It's funny how all these previews are for horror films," I said.  The movie started and it didn't seem particularly artsy.  In fact, it seemed like a horror film.  It had the odd lighting, monster foreshadowing and teenagers going off by themselves in the wilderness to make out.  It wasn't until the inevitable sex scene that the true horror of this movie became clear.  It was about vagina dentata.  In case your Latin is a little rusty (or practically nonexistent like mine) let me translate.  It's a term for toothed vagina.

I don't think I need to explain the bloody gore that followed.  I'm sure your imaginations are up to the task but suffice it to say that my poor husband curled up in a ball and whimpered, "This is a horror film for men!"

Okay, so I might have been laughing a little bit.  It was the kind of ridiculous campy thing that always strikes my funny bone.  "Maybe it gets better," I said between giggles.  My husband grabbed the little envelope with the movie's description, the one I'd neglected to read and shook his head. 

"I can't watch this," he said as he stalked out of the T.V. room.  Before he left he turned back and said, "Honey, what kind of a movie is this to show me on Father's Day?" 

I felt a little bad, honestly I did.  But the scene where the pervey ob-gyn's fingers get bitten off and he holds them up screaming "Vagina Dentata is real, Vagina Dentata is real," totally made up for it.  Later that night I told my husband, "It's post-feminist comedy staged as horror." 

"How many other penises were bitten off?" he asked. 

"Just three or four."  He winced.   I'm still feeling a little guilty about showing it to him on Father's Day.  Maybe I'll whip up his favorite chocolate cake this week to make up for it.  I wonder if he'll think it's funny if I hide a pair of plastic teeth inside of it?


Unknown said...

OMIGOSH I love the teeth in cake idea. That's hilarious!!!!

My co-worker talks about all these morbid and AWFUL movies to watch. This was on the list. I don't pick up any of the ones he suggests because I know they'll be awful!!

Unknown said...

That's hysterical! I'd love to see an interview with the director or writer and watch them explain how they decided to make that into a movie!
On a lighter note.....I'm a huge big love fan......still sad the series is over.

Johanna Garth said...

Jen, If this movie was an indication of your co-worker's taste I think you are very wise to avoid his picks;)

Lizy, me too!! I miss my Big Love. Now we're watching Game of Thrones.

SBJones said...

This blog post made me laugh.

Thank you.

Gary Hoover said...

Just sitting here crossing my legs at the moment . . . maybe the laughter will kick in later . . . LOL . . . hey! There it is!

Kathleen Barker said...

I'm struggling to laugh close-mouthed. This has the potential for an annual gag gift fest, Johanna. Just think of the possibilities: a vibrating toothbrush, a necklace made of plastic teeth....I'll stop now.

Connie J Jasperson said...

That is hysterical!!! Your poor husband.

Johanna Garth said...

SB-Glad you could laugh about it!

Gary, ummm, have the giggles kicked in...just checking.

Kathleen, you've just given me a great idea!

Connie, I know. He's a mensch!

Jennifer A said...

LOL! One of my friends saw this and told me all about it.

I can't believe you didn't read what it was about first! I guess I like to do that with books, but I've never been surprised with vagina teeth before in a book either.

If my friend had not told me all about this movie, I suppose I never would have guessed that this was a real movie. How crazy.