Sometimes it's hard to admit what you want.
At least that's the way it was for me. For years I treated writing like a dirty, little secret. The thing I did in private and never talked about. Some people knew, my closest friends, my husband, but I begged them not to tell anyone.
And then a year ago I realized I was going to have to come out of the writing closet.
Not only was I going to have to come out, I was going to have to sing the virtues of my writing far and wide. Post things on social media outlets, talk to book groups, own up to it in person when people asked me about it!!!! These thoughts terrified me. Literally, terrified me and caused me to lose sleep for weeks on end.
Which is odd, in retrospect, because for years I'd been daydreaming about being interviewed on the Today Show, front page coverage in the New York Times arts section or glossy magazine articles all focused on my amazing book. What my daydreams didn't take into account were the steps between publishing the first book and glossy media coverage.
I knew this.
But I also knew the chances were nonexistent if I didn't get behind my book, own up to my writing and let my fledgling attempt (which was not such a fledgling given the three "practice books" I wrote) out into the world.
The realizations in the not-quite-a-year since Losing Beauty has been released have come fast and furious. I realized I'm deeply uncomfortable with anything that is less than unqualified, unanimous success. In other words, I care way too much about what other people think. I realized I don't like to show weakness, in any form. And I realized I'm a complete and total control freak (okay, I kinda always knew that last one but the publication of Losing Beauty has underlined it with a black Sharpie marker).
Like I said last week, this month is about growth. I promised I wouldn't focus too much on my personal growth but all your comments and emails convinced me maybe my growth as a writer might be worth talking about.
On Wednesday I'm going to look more closely at my post-publication realizations. I'll tell you how I've come to terms with my fears, what I've learned and how I've grown. Hope you can stop by. Hope even more that these posts will inspire growth in each of you.