Wednesday, November 7, 2012

You say potato, I say....

The tying cleats dance.
I'm a writer, yes. And also a kept women a.k.a mother to two. Although I've been known to go shopping, meet friends for lunch and eat bon bons, my after 3:00 job description is usually much less Gsa Gsa and much more soccer mom.

If you've had children, been a child or know someone with a child, you're probably familiar with the shuffle two-step dance involving multiple kids, multitasking homework helping, snack fixing and sport-of-the-season attending.

It brings great joy to my heart to announce soccer season is finally over.

But without soccer season, I wouldn't have my new favorite term. We carpooled to soccer practices. Child #2, was picked up by a good friend. She would pull up in front of my house with her minivan full of boys and off they would go, Child #2 talk, talk, talking even as we slid shut the door and waved good bye.

On one of those last carpool trips my friend got a special treat. As they pulled away from my house Child #2 announced to the eager ears of a van full of boys, "I know what a girl's penis is called." He paused, because he's got an ear for delivery before adding, "It's a vagina."

"No, no," my friend's son corrected. "It's not a VAgina, it's a BAgina."

This correction resulted in several minutes of hot debate until it was decided that a girl's penis is indeed called a Bagina. Jokes ensued, none of them pleasant for the driver. "Hey boys," she called, "Let's find something more appropriate to talk about."

If you've ever driven a carpool you know this suggestion was ignored. Except, luckily for my friend, Child #2 was in the car. He came to her rescue, shouting down his friends. "Guys, guys. Listen up. There's only one Bagina in the car and she wants us to talk about something else."

It really is the little moments, the ones where you discover your son has referred to a grown woman as a Bagina, that make you smile, turn bright red or some combination of both.

But readers, readers, I think you should know....there's only one Bagina writing this blog and she wants to say thanks for putting up with her kid story.

29 comments:

Beylit said...

I just spit water on my work computer. I needed that.

Neurotic Workaholic said...

This post cracked me up. It's interesting to listen to kids talk, because they're not self-conscious about what they say and they're curious about everything.

Barbara Watson said...

Love kid stories. Plain and simple.

Gail said...

And what a delight!!! From one Bagina to another...Great job, Mom.

Nicki Elson said...

That is hilarious! Tell me you bought that hat.

Johanna Garth said...

Beylit, so sorry about the computer ;)

Neurotic, carpool is the BEST for eavesdropping. They think you can't hear them while you're driving.

Barbara, me too.

LOL, Thanks Gail.

Nicki, I might need to get that for the friend who drove that carpool.

Joshua said...

That's a great story. On a related note, I love seeing the looks on people's faces when my daughter and son use the actual names for their parts. Not that it comes up all that regularly, but it's still pretty damn funny.

Joanne Noragon said...

I'm an old grandma. My heart sings to listen to a backseat of children.

jenny milchman said...

Love it! That's a much better word for it.

My son asked me the other day how the man part stopped from getting to the woman part if they didn't want a baby. (Yes, he's getting into specifics). I was compelled to explain about condoms. I mean, what else could I do? I tried to gauge his truly wanting to know, and he seemed A-O-curious.

He asked me what they were made out of and I, wanting to bring it back to the mundane, said, "Oh, a little like Saran Wrap, I guess."

And he said, "Is that that brown paper? Oh no. That's parchment."

So now I'm picturing parchment paper condoms. Next Big Thing.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Thanks for the laugh today! I can see that conversation heading south real fast. Or from that point, north.

E. Arroyo said...

LOL. You gotta love it. Kids are just great. Only if we, as adults, can live like they do. That would be...interesting.

Carol Kilgore said...

I think this is the best blog I've read all week!

ali cross said...

ROFL!!! That is so freakin' hysterical. And one day you're gonna be able to get a lot of mileage out of this little story!

Alison DeLuca said...

Best. Blog. Ever.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

I would've been laughing so hard!

Vik said...

LOL gotta love kids

Vik said...

LOL gotta love kids

Rachel Schieffelbein said...

That is too funny!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'm so glad I wasn't drinking my Diet Dr. Pepper while reading this post. :D

Shell Flower said...

Tears are literally streaming from my eyes I'm laughing so hard. Wow. Kids are awesome. Bagina power!

Connie J Jasperson said...

okay - late as always to the party but, oh my god, you had me laughing!!!

Chuck said...

Oh God...I laughed so hard I hurt myself!!! That was hilarious.

Pk Hrezo said...

ROTFL!!! You just can't make stuff like that up. Life with boys must be life's little way of reminding us to laugh and laugh hard.
And congrats on soccer being over. It's so nice when the mom shuffle can go on hiatus for a while. :D

Emily R. King said...

LOL! A Bagina. SO FUNNY.

Hart Johnson said...

*dies* Oh, how funny. And a little mortifying maybe, but hysterical all the same.

Tammy Theriault said...

Hilarious!!!! love it

Michael Di Gesu said...

Too funny .... boys will be boys ....

Sylvia van Bruggen said...

That was SO funny!!! Thanks for the early morning giggle!

Shallee said...

BA HA HA HA HA! That's the funniest thing I've read in a while. Thanks for the laugh.