Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Shut the Door, Amelia Bedelia

For the last week I've been living the reality show 'The Real Housewives of Portlandia.' Sixteen people sequestered in the hills of South Dakota complete with our very own tricked out mid-nineties Street of Dreams style house.

None of us brought heels, but The Real Housewives of Portlandia were horrified to discover garbage didn't get separated in our part of South Dakota. "It just feels so sinful and wrong," we commiserated as the bottle count mounted and we wantonly threw them *gasp* straight into the trash.

We threw birthday parties to commemorate important passages of time (yes, it's true, some of us are now officially, erm, thirty).

In lieu of the chic catering and chicer cocktail attire favored by the Real Housewives of other cities, The Real Housewives of Portlandia asked everyone to dress up as their favorite Star Wars character and dined on Boba Feta Crostini, TIE-Sliders and Vader Tots.

And of course, what would a Star Wars party be without Wookie Cookies and Obi-Wan Cannoli for dessert?

Bed-swapping was a commonplace event. Among the children! (I know what you're thinking and all I can say is that show's called The Real Housewives of Kinky Portlandia and I hear its ratings are through the roof).

Sights were seen. Junior ranger badges were acquired and acquired and acquired.

Guess what?

No overlap on any activity booklets that require significant parental help. Guess what else? Quality control among park rangers reviewing said activity booklets is extremely inconsistent.

Despite that, my kids pledged their troth (or something like that, you'll have to excuse the brain-fry fall-out from searching multiple interpretative centers for code breaking facts) to Little Big Horn, Mount Rushmore and Devil's Tower.

On the last day, we said our Portlandia-kumbyah good byes and one of the Real Housewives of Portlandia asked my daughter to make sure all the doors, of which there were many, in our Street of Dreams house were shut and locked.

"Are you sure? All of them?" asked Child #1.

"Yep, we get charged $100 per door," my friend specified. "So make sure to try all of them and lock them up tight."

Have I mentioned before that my daughter is an extremely careful consumer? If not, this might be the time to mention it.

She took her instructions to heart. After checking each and every deck door she turned her value-conscious attentions to the interior doors. Luckily, fate called me upstairs before she'd locked all the doors to the multiple bathrooms and bedrooms.

What did we do?

One of The Real Husbands of Portlandia picked the locks, of course. Which, in my estimation is a much more valuable skill than toting small dogs through fancy boutiques or driving a too-small sports car through busy streets of any other Housewife city.

If you've enjoyed this episode, make sure to tune in again in 2015 when The Real Housewives of Portlandia take on the Grand Canyon.


Mark Koopmans said...

Love your vacation stories - and at least I know your "series" will be back on the air next season :)

Carol Kilgore said...

Another amazing vacation!
Welcome back to blogland :)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That's funny she locked all the interior doors as well.
Glad you had a good time and are back safe!

Morgan said...

Oh my gosh! What an entertaining post! I SO want to go on vaca with you, LOL!

Neurotic Workaholic said...

100 dollars per door? Wow! But it sounds like a fun trip, especially the Star Wars party. I've never been to South Dakota, but I'm willing to bet it's quieter and more peaceful than Chicago.

Ella said...

So fun, except for the scary doors..?! I love this idea and it looks like everyone had a fabulous time~ Welcome home! I'm looking forward to the next season ;D

You are so fun!
It sounds like an amazing time~

Johanna Garth said...

Mark, yes, it's easy to renew when the episodes are spaced two years apart ;)

Thanks Carol!

Alex, yes she did! My girl is thorough!!

Morgan, I have a feeling your troop would fit right in and we'd all have a blast.

Neurotic, I was tempted to post my pics of me as Princess Amadalah, but then good sense prevailed.

Ella, thanks. I'm looking forward to next season already too.

Joanne Noragon said...

That ranger should be in movies like they don't make any more.

~Sia McKye~ said...

Thank god for lock picking skills of husbands. Hmm, we have to wonder what exactly they were doing to hone those skills.

Glad you had a good time! And thanks for sharing the pictures and words that made me smile. BTW, I love that picture of you on the deck. Lots of fine memories.


Unknown said...

Great getaway story. "All the doors?" I love it! And I bet the Obi Wan Cannoli was delicious.

M Pax said...

Gasp! On the not separating trash thing.

Sounds like you had a great time. I love the idea of a star wars party. Now I want to throw one.

alexia said...

Sounds awesome! Obi Wan Canoli made me snort out loud. And how hilarious that your daughter locked all the interior doors! Glad you were able to get them unlocked easily.

Gwen Gardner said...

HaHa! And a good time was had by all. Kids can be so literal - that's too funny about the doors :) said...

I laughed out loud at the "$100 per door" quip. You hired the right person for that job. Sounds like a wonderful time, Johanna. I look forward to reading and seeing the Grand Canyon episode.


jaybird said...

Awesome recap and this Italian Star Wars geek is so jealous I didn't think up Obi-wan cannolis!! How fun!!

The Bookworm said...

The Real Housewives of Portlandia sounds awesome Johanna!

Jan Morrison said...

wow! now that's a series I'd watch. Can't wait til you go to the Grand Canyon! That is where my present wip is set although I haven't been there since I was 12 ...erm ... a few years ago!