For the last week I've been living the reality show 'The Real Housewives of Portlandia.' Sixteen people sequestered in the hills of South Dakota complete with our very own tricked out mid-nineties Street of Dreams style house.
None of us brought heels, but The Real Housewives of Portlandia were horrified to discover garbage didn't get separated in our part of South Dakota. "It just feels so sinful and wrong," we commiserated as the bottle count mounted and we wantonly threw them *gasp* straight into the trash.
We threw birthday parties to commemorate important passages of time (yes, it's true, some of us are now officially, erm, thirty).
And of course, what would a Star Wars party be without Wookie Cookies and Obi-Wan Cannoli for dessert?
Bed-swapping was a commonplace event. Among the children! (I know what you're thinking and all I can say is that show's called The Real Housewives of Kinky Portlandia and I hear its ratings are through the roof).
No overlap on any activity booklets that require significant parental help. Guess what else? Quality control among park rangers reviewing said activity booklets is extremely inconsistent.
Despite that, my kids pledged their troth (or something like that, you'll have to excuse the brain-fry fall-out from searching multiple interpretative centers for code breaking facts) to Little Big Horn, Mount Rushmore and Devil's Tower.
On the last day, we said our Portlandia-kumbyah good byes and one of the Real Housewives of Portlandia asked my daughter to make sure all the doors, of which there were many, in our Street of Dreams house were shut and locked.
"Are you sure? All of them?" asked Child #1.
"Yep, we get charged $100 per door," my friend specified. "So make sure to try all of them and lock them up tight."
She took her instructions to heart. After checking each and every deck door she turned her value-conscious attentions to the interior doors. Luckily, fate called me upstairs before she'd locked all the doors to the multiple bathrooms and bedrooms.
What did we do?
One of The Real Husbands of Portlandia picked the locks, of course. Which, in my estimation is a much more valuable skill than toting small dogs through fancy boutiques or driving a too-small sports car through busy streets of any other Housewife city.
If you've enjoyed this episode, make sure to tune in again in 2015 when The Real Housewives of Portlandia take on the Grand Canyon.